The girl I loved is dead.
Is there any point in living anymore?
But before I take my own life, let me tell you our story.
I used to call her a spoiled kid. She was free as a bird. She would do whatever she felt like doing. She obeyed no rules, knew no boundaries. Her sense of freedom was out of my reach, yet I loved her with all my heart.
When I first saw her, she was 6 years old; I was 7. She moved into a flat in our block with her parents. The first time we met, she gave me a chocolate. I never liked chocolates, but I ate it. She laughed out loud and said – “you hate chocolates, don’t you? I can tell from your face.” I think I fell for her that day.
We went to the same school. I had no friends except her. Everybody called me weird, strange, freak. I still don’t know why they called me those names. I hated school because of this reason until she came into my life. At lunchtime, I would sit in a corner and gaze at her while she played with her friends.
I proposed to her when she was 15. I had waited long enough for that day. I said –
“I love you. You love me too, don’t you?”
She laughed out loud. I don’t know why she did that. After a minute or so when she was done laughing, she replied – “You are really crazy! I like your confidence though.” She again burst into laughter.
I asked – “is it a yes?”
She widened her eyes and shouted – “No! are you mad? you are a good friend. That’s all.”
She broke my heart and walked away. I couldn’t understand why she rejected me. Didn’t I love her enough?
We didn’t talk for a month after that. One day she came over to my classroom and sat next to me. She opened her lunchbox and placed it before me on the desk. I looked at it and then at her face – “I already had my lunch.” I said.
“Then have it again with me.” She laughed and added, “I’m sorry for laughing at you that day. Can we be friends again?”
I got my answer that day. Yes, I didn’t love her enough. She deserved more. We became friends again and I didn’t leave any stone unturned to make her realize my love for her.
We made love for the first time on the night of her 18th birthday. I was a bit hesitant, but eventually gave in to her wish. No, we were not a couple but she wanted to experience it. It was my first time too. After making love when she dozed off, I stared at her face all night. The moment she opened her eyes in the morning, I asked her – “admit it you love me, don’t you?”
Making a funny face, she replied – “Why would I love you? Don’t be crazy!” She left again.
I thought I loved her enough, but maybe she deserved more.
She left town for college; I waited for her. Initially she called every day, but as days passed the calls became less frequent. She came home after six months. She hugged me the moment she saw me at the airport. We spent the next three weeks of her vacation together. The night before she left, she came over to my flat and we watched a movie together. When she was about to leave, I held her hand and pulling her closer, asked – “how long would you make me wait? Admit your love for me.”
This time she didn’t laugh; she freed her hand from mine and said – “I’ve been trying to tell you something since the day I came home. I’m in love with a guy I met in college. I’m really sorry.” She lowered her eyes.
That day I realized my love would never be enough for her. I finally knew what she deserved. She left town the following day. She called me, texted me, even sent me a video saying sorry. I didn’t reply. Instead I waited for her to come home again.
This morning she came to town after six months. I invited her home after my parents left town to attend a wedding. I decorated my apartment with candles and lilies; lily was her favorite flower. I put on a black shirt; black was her favorite color. The clock struck 8 when she knocked on my door. The flowers and candles instantly brought a smile to her face. Once she stepped inside, I handed her a knife and motioned her to the cake on the table. She asked – “Why? it’s not my birthday.”
“Let’s celebrate 13 years of our togetherness.” I smiled at her.
She burst into laughter, which reminded me of the day I proposed to her. As she reached the table, the smile vanished from her face seeing the words written on the cake. “Admit your love for me.”
“I thought you were over all this. Please don’t start that crap again.” She made a face.
“No love, let’s end all this today.” I smiled and took the knife from her hand.
She narrowed her eyes at me, then smiled a moment later – “I’m glad that you finally understood.” Turning around she dipped her finger into the cake, licked it clean and said – “Ummm…yummy!”
I tightened my grip on the knife; that smile on her face invoked all the anger and frustration I had been holding back for years. Before I could change my mind, I plunged the knife into her body. She cried out loud in pain. I covered her mouth and pulled the knife out of her body.
“Admit your love.” I shouted.
She tried hard to free herself from my grip; I understood it was no use asking her that anymore. I stabbed her again and again until I was sure that she was dead.
She is lying dead on the floor before me. I don’t know what exactly I feel right now; is it relief? Relief from all the expectation and disappointment, or is it pain? Pain for losing the love of my life, the only girl I ever loved.
Huh! I think I can die now. The reason I’m leaving this note behind is I want you all to know our love story. I’m sure she loved me, her only mistake was that she didn’t admit it. What do you think?
– Chirasree, a dreamer.
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