I spent half my life thinking – ” will God forgive me for doing this?”
I asked myself – ” Is it right?…what if it isn’t?…will I be punished?”
A person very close to me once said that falling in love was a sin. I was 17 years old back then; I stared blankly at him not daring to ask him why. A voice constantly shouted “why” “why” “why” in my head; I shut it up or so I thought. But I remember giving it a thought; I asked myself – ” If my love for my parents or my brother is not a sin, then how come they call my love for another human being sin?”
I tried convincing myself that what he said was prudent and I was not wise enough to comprehend its meaning. But that voice inside my head never really shut up; it asked me “why” again. I shrugged it off.
I never really understood why it was considered imprudent every time I wanted to take a decision for myself, while now when I look back, those were precisely the same things that I want to do in my life. I want to become a writer…a painter, not an Engineer, a Doctor or a Lawyer. Why? I still have no answer.
Have you ever felt bad for wanting something for yourself…or for buying stuff for yourself? I did. I asked myself – ” am I being selfish?” My inner voice smirked inside and replied – ” I wish you were.”
There was a time when I didn’t love myself for who I am, yet I expected others to do so. I resented them for misunderstanding me, while I myself was not conversant with my inner desire. One day I got tired of blaming people for not accepting me, sat alone with tears in my eyes and asked God – “Why do you keep punishing me? is it because I committed a sin…because I couldn’t stop loving him? Or is it because even after being told a hundred times that being an Engineer was a good career choice for me, I didn’t accept it and give up my dream? Or do you too think that all I care about is myself?” I cried my heart out that day.
After my tears dried up, I sat silently; I didn’t ask any more questions. Suddenly I heard a voice inside me –
“I have some questions for you. Listen to them carefully and then answer –
Were you happy after you left him just because someone said it was a sin?
Do you want to continue doing this job for the next 30 years?
Have you fully accepted yourself?
Can’t answer?…okay then why do you feel embarrassed when people don’t accept you for who you are?
Your answer is no, you never accepted yourself; that’s the reason you are putting all the blame on others to get rid of your conscience.
My last question – if you don’t care about yourself, then who else will?
That day I couldn’t answer all of them, but I definitely stopped asking those questions. I didn’t ask anything to God anymore, I just thanked him for everything I had. I didn’t ask for his forgiveness anymore as I started believing that ‘it’s right to be wrong sometimes and it’s wrong to be right all the time…’
– Chirasree, a dreamer.