I immersed myself fully in the cold water; it felt good as my tears merged with the water in the bathtub. Suddenly a thought came to me – ‘What if I don’t lift my head out of the water? Probably I would survive for a minute or so…and then I would be gone.’ I felt better. Death would relieve all my pain. I wanted to close my eyes forever; they were tired from crying. ‘I’m done with this life…I’m done with everything’ I thought as I tried hard to hold my breath. I could feel the inner urge to lift my head up, but a part of me tried to pull me down further into the water. I realized it was getting difficult to hold my breath any longer; I grabbed the handles on both sides of the bathtub and started banging my feet on the edge of the bathtub to suppress the urge to lift my head.
Suddenly I heard a distant sound;’This sound seems familiar’ I thought, still fighting my weaker self.’ Ah! it’s my phone.’ I realized a moment later.’ I will call you after some time…in an urgent meeting now.’ my husband had said when I called him a while back.’ I have a news for you’. He had said before hanging up. As soon as I recalled the last line, it made me feel numb. The urge to drown myself to death suddenly changed into that of hearing the news he wanted to share. I had once said to him,’ you are my life’. This memory made me loosen my grip on the handles.
‘It was long back. Things have changed now’. The other part inside me shouted, in order to try one last time.’ I need to know what he has to say…I can’t leave without a final goodbye’ My weaker self shouted back; I lifted my head up and got out of the tub instantly. I ran to my phone expecting to see a missed call from my husband.
There was no missed call, not even a message or notification.’ What was that sound?’ I exclaimed.
‘The one that you made up to save yourself.’ My stronger self sighed deep inside. – Chirasree, a dreamer.